Dear Ronnie,

I have felt the urge to write you since last week, when I heard you entered a rehab facility...yet again. I hope the picture I posted of you with a margarita in your hand and a bottle of tequila (pronounced: tekillya) under your arm didn't drive you back to the drink. I suppose it was in bad taste to elicit humorous captions on such a photo, especially now that I know you were in the midst of falling off your little red wagon. For that, I apologize.

But, I have decided this same photo - the one that my readers have been using as their inspiration for tasteless jokes - could be used to demonstrate my own personal feelings toward your current situation. And to do so, I've written my own, more appropriate caption.

"If you take even one tiny little sip of that demon alcohol,

I swear I'll put you over my knee and spank you!"

I'm not kidding, Ronnie. Listen to me. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE IN MY NEW BOOK! Even though I have tons of great pictures of you (remember the ones I took of you in your apartment on Ave Victor Hugo in Paris, sitting in the window sketching?) and lots and lots of stories I could tell (no, I'm not going to talk out of school), and even though your presence in the book would certainly up my sales, I WANT YOU TO STAY ALIVE! Honestly. I'd rather be on the guest list for your next art opening than on the guest list for your funeral. So, QUIT DRINKING! And if you're doing any drugs, quit them too. You are much more fun and way cuter when you are sober. Trust me.

With love and affection,
Deborah