Saturday, May 27, 2006

Google Me This, Google Me That

Like most people who blog, I subscribe to a service that monitors my traffic. It tells me how many people visit every day/week/month etc., where they are visiting from and sometimes how long they stay. I subscribed to the service so that I could take my stats to a publisher and say, "Look, I have over 10,000 visitors a day (I wish) - now give me a big advance and let's get this puppy printed and on the shelves."

I can also tell 'who's on.' There are times when I wish I could ping someone who's on and say, "Hey, you've been looking at Robin Gibb half-naked for 10 minutes already. What the hell are you doing?"

But my favorite feature is "by search words." It lists the search words exactly how the searcher typed them into Google or any other search engine. This has become a major distraction for me. A source of entertainment. Yes, small things amuse....

Of course, I get normal searches such as "paul butterfield," "lowell george," "michael bloomfield death" and "jefferson starship." And I have no problem with ones like "dead rock stars," "they are dead and famous," or even "wanted dead or alive posters."

But then there are the ones that border on strange. I don't know what some of these people were thinking. Here are a few of my favorites (along with my comments):

(disclaimer: if you searched by any of these, found me, and decided to stick around, please know that I love you very much - I'm not meaning to insult you - just having a little fun here for the long weekend. And, I have no idea who you are, so when we meet, feel free to deny everything)

Okay, here we go:

"bob seger life and death photo" (if you actually found this, please send me the link)

"maurice gibb sexy photos" (see comment above)

"male crotch shot" (note to my male readers: please email your photos to malecrotchshots@cheshercat.com)

"barry gibb cigarettes" (try ebay...they probably have his butts for sale)

"chris parker email" (I have this...send $10 and it's yours)

"ostin design portland Oregon" (so what did you think when you clicked and saw Mo Ostin grinning at you?)

"dead body pics in Chicago" (if you've lost your dead bodies in Chicago, please call the Chicago Police Department at (312) 747-8220)

"flight attendent call button sound effect" (don't knock it if you haven't tried it)

"billy joel showtime big shot awful" (I didn't realize the reviews were in.)

"download robin gibb like a dumb" (really? can you do that? please email instructions asap.)

"cemetary flower pictures" (come back! I have those! how much will you pay?)

"who is billy joel's personal manager" (I have no idea. I had dinner with Jon Troy because he claimed to be his manager. Guys will say anything to get a date in L.A.)

"lucy's el adobe salad dressing copy cat" (accept no imitations)

"chris parker is fat" (Whoever wrote this: run, don't walk, to your optometrist. You need glasses.)

"who did ahmet ertegen sign?" (lots and lots of really good musicians. Hope that helps.)

"all the people I shot are dead" (It's Everybody I Shot Is Dead. Remember that.)

"deborah chesher zappa" (Contrary to popular belief, I did not marry into the Zappa family.)

"accident on 405 april 22 2006" (I didn't actually see the accident. Just the blood trickling down the woman's cheek. Please don't ask me to be a witness.)

"i'm going to be dead by 18" (Even I can't make fun of this one. It's just sad. If you have a terminal illness, that really sucks and I'm sorry. If you don't, please call 1-800-448-3000 before it's too late.)

"forrest george son of lowell george" (I'm still looking for Forrest George. If you know how I can contact him, please email me. For real. I'm serious.)

"grace slick california la location" (Try "grace slick california bay area location")

"2006 nicholl fellowship" (My friend was a finalist in '03. Does that count? His script is really, really good. I hope you didn't enter if your script sucks. I was a quarterfinalist in '02. That's the top 300 out of 6000+. I'm a much better writer now. I entered two scripts this year. Wish me luck. I could use the 30K)

"shoot dead body photos" (Good idea. They're already dead. No one gets hurt.)

"dead people that got shot" (Let me see...there was JFK, RFK, MLK...don't go outside if your last name starts with the letter K)

"elliott yamin shirtless" (This one comes up a lot. You're either a regular or there's a lot of EY fans looking for him to disrobe. Either way, I'm glad you found me and I'm sure the Robin Gibb photo will satisfy your 'jones' until Elliot gets his Playgirl spread.)

And my personal favorite:

"i wanna shoot everybody !!!!!!...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Hopefully, you were just having a bad day. But I felt compelled to be a responsible resident alien. I passed this one on to the Department of Homeland Security. They should be knocking on your basement window any minute.)

Have a safe Memorial Day weekend. And don't forget to take a moment to honor our dead soldiers. R.I.P.

7 comments:

Chesher Cat said...

Wait...this just in:

"really disgusting pictures of dead people" (ever wonder what your friends are doing home alone on a Friday night?)

Jesse said...

Wow, that's really freaky. Atleast some of them...

Harry Funk said...

I might've typed in the "deborah chesher zappa" search.

You weren't the inspiration for "Debra Kadabra," were you?

Chesher Cat said...

Yes, Harry, it must have been written about me, since it came out on an album shortly after we met. But then again, I think everything is written about me.

And, adding to my list, earlier today someone was looking for "barry gibb tight pants pictures" (I have those - they're in the drawer next to my bed).

Peg said...

too effin' funny!!

Liv said...

Just so you know, Jon Troy was Billy Joel's manager a while back. He is referred to the song "Piano Man"...something like, 'Jon at the bar is a friend of mine he gets me drinks for free'

Unfortuneatley he passed away October 1st. My Stepdad was in personal aquaintances with him.
His obit: http://obits.nola.com/obituaries/nola/obituary.aspx?n=jon-troy&pid=135597162

Mooncat said...

I know how to get in touch with Forrest George. He's a friend of mine on Facebook. Write me at sunnsholatgmaildotcom.