Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Mr. Blackwell

Yes, folks, it's that time of year again. Mr. Blackwell's list has been released. And being that I am really well-connected and in the know on everything that is anything, I am able to present to you this original correspondence (well, original with 1ยบ of separation) from the icon himself:


First I would like to thank my dear friend Florence Henderson, who has graciously agreed to fill in for me and read my list to the media on the set of her new program, The Florence Henderson Show, this year as I am a little under the weather.

Welcome to my annual merry-go-round of fashion follies-the Worst-Dressed Women List. This past year stands out as one of the most disastrous fashion years in recent memory-as well as being a particularly eye-popping moment in Tinsel-Town where several worst-dressed repeat offenders suffered collective meltdowns. There more melodrama surrounding the Spears clan, Lindsay, Paris and a host of other style-challenged starlets than a double feature of “Baby Jane” and “Valley of the Dolls.” Either it was a comedy of errors or a typhoon of terrors…you decide.

From JK Rowling outing Dumbledore to Marion Cotillard touting Edith Piaf, there were some memorable entertainment moments in these past 12 months. Streisand-in regal Diva Mode-took Europe by storm. Madonna managed to look great for an unprecedented length of time. Elizabeth Taylor re-surfaced looking resplendent and ravishing. And that other Queen Elizabeth-as in Winsdor-even managed to update her Stonehenge of Style image. Yes, miracles can-and did-happen. Unfortunately, these magical moments were few and far between. We were left with a plethora of jaw-dropping fashion faux pas that took style to new lows…from gigantic white sunglasses perched on every trendy face this side of Siberia to Roman reject gladiator shoes that appeared like a fashion fungus on every streetcomer from Palm Beach to Palm Springs. Hopeless!!

Disappointments also abounded…from the usually beautiful Nicole Kidman who often buried herself in too much boring black to the elegant Gwyneth Paltrow in a decidedly unglamorous mood through much of 2007. Red carpet looks were, for the most part, unmemorable and old-hat. One longed for a Bjork or Cher to show up to liven up the ho-hum design proceedings with their usual fatal fashion flair.

Speaking of fatal fashion, look no further than this year's Worst-Dressed round-up, consisting of Ten Titans of Taste-Free Terrors. From pop Princesses to movie stars to “It” girls on their way “Out,” this catastrophic crop of couture clowns are truly tragic in the design department. Let it be said, however, that my criticisms are based purely on their fashion flaws-I'm sure they're all wonderful people beneath the deluge of dreck they drape themselves in.

Here's hoping for a beautiful 2008...and remember: dressing well really IS the best revenge!

Love Mr. Blackwell


10.) Alison Arngrim: Little Nellie of the prairie, looks like a 1940's fashion editor for the Farmers Almanac.

9.) Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay the fashion frenzy strikes again! Lohan takes fashion to a new low -

8.) Jessica Simpson: Forget the Cowboys. In prom queen screams, can it get any worse? She's a global fashion curse!

7.) Avril Lavigne: Gothic make-up courtesy the mad spatula-Fashions provided by…The house of Dracula!

6.) Eva Green: Stuck in neon nightmares not fit for the sane. Fashion this loud could give Bond a migraine! A profusion of confusion from toes to nose!

5.) Kelly Clarkson: Her heavenly voice soars above the rest…but those belly-baring bombs are hellish at best! She may be the queen of “Pro-Active” - but that wardrobe looks downright radioactive!

4.) Fergie: Another style-free “Fergie” in fashion's hall of shame? Yes, when it comes to couture chaos, guess it's all in a name!

3.) Mary Kate Olsen: YIKES! In layers of cut-rate kitsch, Mary Kate's look is hard to explain…she resembles a tattered toothpick-trapped in a hurricane!

2.) Amy Winehouse: Exploding beehives above…tacky polka-dots below…she's part 50's car-hop horror.

1.) Victoria Beckham: Forget the fashion spice - wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck-em.

*** Britney NOTE - For those of you who were expecting to see Britney's name adorn the 2007 list, I felt that it was in appropriate at this time to make comment, when her personal life is in such upheaval. I hope 2008 is a better year for her.

Fabulous Fashion Independents for 2007:

Reese Witherspoon, Jemima Khan, Beyonce, Angelina Jolie, Helen Mirren, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, Kate Middleton, Katherine Heigl and Cate Blanchett.

So there you have it. Do you think Alison Arngrim made the list because Mr. Blackwell saw on my blog?

Did you know that being on his list - especially the worst dressed list - is of the utmost importance to many women in Hollywood? No kidding. Notice how much space he gives the worst dressed girls, while the best dressed get bunched together in one measly sentence? It's true. Hollywood women actually campaign to make it on the worst dressed list. Why, you ask? Because the worst dressed list garners tons and tons of publicity. Tons. And, as we all know, publicity is what makes the world go 'round.

So, being the huge publicity whore I am, I worked tirelessly on a last minute bid to make it onto his worst dressed list. You think I'm kidding? It's true. I did. And I have the picture to prove it:

Me & Mr. Blackwell

As you can see, I have gone above and beyond the call of duty here with my worst dressed look...
from the sweater that makes me look like a beached whale to my what-the-hell-kind-of-bangs-are-those-and-what-did-you-do-with-the-rest-of-your-hair hair-do. But this picture is also quite deceiving. You see, I'm actually digging my fingernails (aka talons) into his hand - hence the pained look on his face - and whispering through my own clenched teeth, "You better fucking-well put me on your worst dressed list, Mr. Blackwell...or else!"

But I didn't make the list.

Left to ponder "why?" "why not me?"

As I dry my tears, I come to a realization.

Next year I'm going to have to dig a little harder.

No comments: