John Mayer Sucks

Tyler is really into this John Mayer dude. He has listened to all his CDs ad nauseum since forever. Which meant I listened to John Mayer ad nauseum too, but I figure you already figured that out. Tyler has been to lots of his shows - LA, NY, and I even think he drove all the way from L.A. to Austin and back for a show. He even took me to a John Mayer show a few years ago and, in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit it was pretty darn okay.

Tyler may have started playing guitar because of John Mayer - he plays really well, I might add - and has soaked up his influences (especially Hendrix and Buddy Guy, so I can't knock him for that). He has met John Mayer at least two times that I know of and has also managed to grab some photos on occasion. This is one of them...

You can see more of Tyler's brilliant visual work here.

I even bought him a John Mayer Limited Edition Martin guitar for his birthday one year. Unfortunately, it turned out to have a defect (go figure) and there weren't any more at that store and by the time we found another one I could no longer afford the damn thing. Sorry, Tyler. Of course, this created an irreconcilable wedge between us. Thanks for that, John Mayer.

But that's not why John Mayer gets the privilege of a John Mayer Sucks post from me. Well, it sort of is. Here's how it went down...as I best remember...

Last night, or this morning since it was shortly after midnight, Tyler called me and said I should enter this contest that John Mayer was doing on Twitter. And I only had 30-40 minutes to do it. He thought I could win because it had to do with movies. And the prize was a stratocaster signed by John Mayer (the future bane of my existence). So I went on twitter and found Mr. Mayer's teeny corner of Tweetdom -- okay, I'm lying...John Mayer's little corner of Tweetdom has a population of nearly 500,000. No need to mention how many I have, is there?

When I got there I found this post "You have 1 hour to come up with the most titles in one sentence. Winner gets a signed JM signature Stratocaster. GO!!!!!!!!" and a sample "This is how it should be, peoples. RT @BrianBitner Crouching Tiger, Hidden Deagonheart And Soul Men In Black Snake Moan" and I thought, "Shit, this is easy." I finished mine and posted it to his @ thing, he posted this, "@petewentz I love it. Wait until you see the winner. It's at least 13 titles." And this is why John Mayer sucks.

This was my entry...And Justice For All Along Came A Spider Man On Fire From Below Zero Hour of the Gun Fever Pitch Black Rain Man About Town&Country...which breaks down to: And Justice For All, All Along, Along Came A Spider, Spider Man, Man on Fire, Fire From Below, Below Zero, Zero Hour, Hour of the Gun, The Gun, Gun Fever, Fever Pitch, Pitch Black, Black Rain, Rain Man, Man About Town, Town&Country. Count 'em, that's a grand total of 17 movies fit into the limited 140 characters allowed on a Twitter post.

I'd already sent it in but went ahead and sent it again to make sure it reached his @johncmayer box. Then I campaigned for myself with a couple of follow-up posts - "@johncmayer I may twitter-techno-challenged but my movie titles rocked...all 16 of them...in a row...", "@johncmayer Actually I got 17 - I didn't count The Gun which was a 1974 John Badham movie". Yes, I am extremely competitive...is there something wrong with that?

Then he posted this, "WIN RT @cheyannejo Lion King and I am Legend of Sleepy Hollow Man of the Year One Night Stand and Deliver us from Evil Dead Man Walking Tall". What the fuck? What the fuck? That's what I said to myself. Actually, I said it out loud but only Drama and Pumpkin heard it so it doesn't count. How many titles did freakin' cheyannejo have? Only 13? I wasn't having any of that. I sent @johncmayer a couple more posts...remember, I'm in competitor mode here..."@johncmayer Dude, that sucks...I had a bonafide 17 movie titles, what's up with that?", "@johncmayer did you not receive my very groovy title entry of 17 movies? You're killing me."

I went on to send a couple of posts to some musician friend who Mayer was goading to submit (I think the guy is married to Ashley Simpson)..."@petewentz Mayer raked me...I had 17 titles and didn't win" and my entry, "@petewentz And Justice For All Along Came A Spider Man On Fire From Below Zero Hour of the Gun Fever Pitch Black Rain Man About Town&Country"...okay, I'll admit that was possibly bordering on stalkerish. But, come on, this whole thing brought back all the memories of the defective Martin and now that John Mayer is more than famous I can't afford any of his special edition anythings, much less guitars. All I wanted to do was win a guitar for poor, sad Tyler. Bring the sparkle back to his eye. The one that was shining brightly before the defective guitar fiasco, but has all but burned out since.

As I dealt with the unfairness and my unwarranted loss, and as my competitive spirit dissipated into the night, I began to feel slight remorse for my borderline-fanatical behavior. So, I decided to extend the olive branch to Mr. Mayer. I sent him one last post..."@johncmayer No grudge here. Let me know where I can send you a copy of my book. You'll dig it - http://www.cheshercat.com/eeverybody.html".

I mean, of all the musicians in the world...this guy who claims to be old school and is really into the blues and considers himself a photographer...I figure he would go ape-shit over some of the stuff in my book -- the great guitarists like Michael Bloomfield and Rory Gallagher, the great bluesmen like John Lee Hooker and Butterfield, and the title - Everybody I Shot Is Dead - I figure he's cool enough to dig the title (or maybe he's just another Harvey Weinstein).

Well, it's been 19 hours and 57 minutes (not that I'm counting) since our ill-fated non-meeting and I haven't heard boo from Mr. John Mayer. Not a glimmer of apology for overlooking my entry into a contest I clearly won. No request for me to send his copy of my book that I'm still holding like the olive branch it's meant to be (anybody out there interested in buying John Mayer's copy).

Sigh.

Oh well.

I'm over it.

But let me just ask this...I've plead my case to my jury (hopefully my swayed jury) and I ask...Is the title of this post out of line?

Okay, I'm really over it now. No shit.

Wait.

Just one more note:

Hey, John Mayer...check out this guitar playing...Terry Kath...Hendrix loved this guy. The dude rips. I dare you to tell me you don't agree.



FYI, I am not notifying @johncmayer of this post. I just can't deal with anymore of those frivolous rock star restraining orders.

Although, if I ever run into John Mayer I will give him this apology (take it or leave it):

If only I had nicked Michael Bloomfield's Gibson when sent me to his house to look at his art...last night would never have happened. Never.